QI Series A

[Gameheadz]

The following program is not affiliated with BBC, BBC Worldwide and BBC Worldwide America. No challenge to their ownership is implied.

(rotator spins to images of a tree, a glass of wine, The Ten Commandments, a spaceship and a thundercloud before rotating to the QI logo)

(logo zooms in; cheers and applause)

[NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION]

Greg: Good afternoon one & all, Welcome to QI, I’m Greg Kinnear and today, we focus solely on the athletic supporter. Let’s introduce our starting lineup, the all-star rookie, Anthony Clark…(cut toAnthony…applause) Veteran Sportscaster Tom Arnold…(cut to Tom; applause) Undrafted free agent Lew Schnieder..(cut to Lew; applause) and our elementary school prospect, George Gray! (cut to George; applause) You know how this works, I ask a question and points will be added, mostly taken away. You buzz in when I tell you to, so Anothny goes…(Crack of bat; cheering) And tom goes…(shoes squeaking; hopp goes in bucket) And Lew goes…(hockey horn; cheering) and George goes…(golf swing; window crash; car alarm) (audience laughter)

So let’s kick the game off with this….How many teams make up the 1st NCAA Men’s basketball tournament? (screens fade in to tournament brackets)

Lew: I think they were 4 teams: The Harlem Globetrotters, The The Washington Generals, The Detroit Lions and the University of SOutehrn California. (audience laughter)

Greg: (laughs) I wonder who won that tournament. Perhaps it was Washington won had a new coach, but it could be more than that.

Anthony: Perhaps 16?

Greg: Close, but in between that and the previous Lew mentioned.

Tom: I’ll take a shot and say 8.

Greg: You got it, it is 8, because in 1939, The very first NCAA tournament commenced. The teams are in no particular order: Brown, Ohio State, Wake Foerest, Villanova, Oregon, Oklahoma, Texas and Utah State. (8-team bracket is shown on the screens) The finals had Ohio state and Oregon with the Ducks becoming the first NCAA champion. Perhaps we all know why March Madness is associated with college basketball, so hands on your buzzers and tell me, who is credited with the term “March Madness?”

(Anthony buzzes in)

Anthony: Dick Vitale.

Greg: Oh Anthony…(HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“DICK VITALE” is flashed on the screens) I have to tell the people that he said an obvious but dead wrong answer resulting in a 10-point takeaway.

Anthony: But I thought he created that term.

Greg: No he did not, but it could be someone else.

Tom: Perhaps Bill Raftery, because of his exclaimations.

George: (Imitiating Bill) yeah, send it in, Mailman! (audience laughter & applause)

Greg: Well said George, anyone else?

Lew: Uh, Dean Smith?

Greg: Good coach, but not exactly him. George, have you got a guess yet?

George: I’ll let you answer it.

Greg: Okay then, no points for passing the question. Believe it or not, many people believe that Brent Musberger came up with that term while he was a writer for a Chicago newspaper, but it went to H.V. Porter, who wrote an essay named March Madness in 1939 and in 1942 used the phrase in a poem, "Basketball Ides of March." Thusly, March Madness was born.

Lew: Was there ever a doubt he didn’t write about #1-ranked upsets? (audience laughter)

Greg: Well yes, because his school’s win or lose record contribute to the term inspired by that essay.

Anthony: You know, I was opting for highlights, but you did mention it.

Greg: Yes, and speaking of March madness, we know UCLA had the most titles, (screens fade in to the UCLA Pauley Pavillon) but here’s what I want you to do…take out your Magna-Doodles and write down the year in which the Bruins won their first title? (panelists write down answer) All…righty. Anthony, we start with you first.

Anthony: I said 1967.

Greg: 1967. How about you, Tom?

Tom: I went with 1964.

Greg: 1964. Over to Lew Schnieder.

Lew: My guess is 1968.

Greg: And George?

George: I went with 1865. (audience laughter)

Greg: I wonder why you wrote that down?

George: They won it over Holy Cross, 3-1.

Greg; Oh, I see. Well, I have the answer on my card, and if anyone came closer high or low, we award our panelist 5 points, but if it’s on the head, you get 10 points in which….Tom hit it right on the nose, 1964 was the answer. (applause) The 1st of 10 titles in Wooden’s house and it still stands today, you got 10 points and that ends our 1st quarter. More QI and the O’Bannon brothers after this timeout.

(theme music plays; applause)

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]

[Gameheadz]

(theme music plays; rotator spins to set)

(applause)

Greg: Welcome back to QI, where BCS may stand for Big Crappy Scams, (laughter) but you already knew that, so let’s delve into college football and go back to the very first college football game. (screens fade in to the LA memorial coliseum) So buzz in and name 1 of the 2 teams that played in the that first game.

(Anthony buzzes in)

Anthony: Notre dame.

Greg: Not Notre Dame. Anyone else?

(Tom buzzes in)

Tom: Michigan.

Greg: You are right. The other was Stanford. The Wolverines trounced the Cardinals, 44-0, but what bowl game was it?

George: I’m thinking the Rose Bowl.

Greg: No It wasn’t…(HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“ROSE BOWL” flashes on screens) minus 10 for you, anyone else? (screens fade back)

Lew: Tournament of Roses championship game?

Greg: Uh, the judges will give you that one, you were close enough, it was the "Tournament East-West football game," It happened in 1902 before the Rose Bowl was named. It was in Tournament Park way before the Rose Bowl stadium came in 21 years later.

Tom: Yeah, and I know the Sugar, Fiesta and Orange bowls came in.

Lew: But theBCS championship game isn’t like the Super Bowl.

Greg: Well, if the BCS isn’t the Super Bowl, then why is that?

Tom: You got teams thinking they’re all vying for #1 or #2, and Boise State should’ve been one of both because Oregon came in, but Auburn won the BCS title because of Cam Newton’s controversy. Now why do you think 1 team wants to be in it for all this?

George: Well, It’s because you got some team who goes to bowl games year after year.

Greg: I believe George has a point. Penn State, for example has Joe Paterno who needs to retire afetr so many years of coaching.

Tom: Well, if he retires, then who will take his job?

Greg: Yeah, that’s what I want to know. But, with bowl games comes the Heisman Trophy. (screens fade in to Cam Newton winning the trophy) The first one was in 1928 and Jay Berwanger of Chicago won it, but afterwards, what Ivy League school was the first to post back-to-back Heisman winners?

(Anthony buzzes in)

Anthony: Havard.

Greg: No, not Havard. Anyone else?

George: Yale.

Greg: Yep, the opposite school, Larry Kelly and Clint Frank after Berwanger won. However, there was a recent downside to the Heisman recently as Reggie Bush became the first player to forfeit his Heisman because his school, USC as Lew mentioned earlier on the first question of our game was ineligible for cash payments, and that’s not a good thing. Perhaps one man who didn’t deserve the Heisman was…(screens fade in to Brian Bosworth) this man. Brian Bosworth, not to be confused with the actress Kelly Bosworth, is from the University of Oklahoma, #44, the only man to be suspended for steroid use before the 1986 Orange Bowl made good be being picked be the Seattle Seahawks in the NFL Supplemental Draft. But for how many seasons did he play for?

(Lew buzzes in)

Lew: 2.

Greg: Not 2. Sorry.

(Tom buzzes in)

Tom: 3.

Greg: 3 is it, Correct, tom. 1987-1990.

Lew: Yeah, but he got outran by Bo Jackson before he tried to catch him. It was like being late for the bus. “Uh, honey, I got to run. Bo Jackson’s running me away to work.” (audience laughter)

Greg: Well, It is halftime here at QI. Enjoy Ke$ha and we’ll see you after the break.


(theme music plays; applause)

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]

[Gameheadz]

(rotator spins to website & phone number)

Greg: (VO) Want free tickets to QI? Dial 1-866-84-QITIX or visti qi.com.

(fade in to set; applause)

Greg: Welcome back to QI, halftime is over and we resume with…glitter on our suit jacket from our halftime show thanks to Ke$ha, but we press on with more questions about the sporting life and one of the longest-drought teams has to be, without a doubt, The Chicago Cubs. (screens fade in to Harry Caray statue) They have won 2 world series titles by beating what AL team?

(lew buzzes in)

Lew: The Boston Red Sox.

Greg: No, it was not, but it would’ve been a good World Series in 2003 had Steve Bartman not attend. Anybody else?

(George buzzes in)

George: The White Sox.

Greg: Nope. Last time they won it all, 2005. Everyone remembers that series, but it has to be a team that won the series in the early 80’s.

Anthony: Uh, Tigers?

Greg: Is right! (applause) You were the only one who knew that answer. Why did you come up with it?

Anthony: It is because they won it in 1984 over the Padres.

Greg: Yes they did, let me give you the information on the answer: The Tigers lost to the Cubbies in 1907 and 1908. They hadn’t won it ever since, bit if there is hope that the Cubs win the World Series, the curse will be broken just like the Red Sox did in 2004 when they came down 0-3 to make a big comeback to advance to the series, and Lew, you witnessed it too, did you?

Lew: Yes, I did. I was out to eat with my wife & kids when I saw Curt Schilling and his bloody sock close out Game 4 thinking to myself, “I’m guessing the Yankees would win the next game,” but the Sox would take the next next 3 and win the World Series.

Greg: Right, but the Cubs want to be champions, just like Michael Jordan did for the Bulls, so this next question is a “Finish The List” query. The 1984 NBA Draft had these 6 college hopefuls: (screens show selections) 1st: Hakeem Olajawon, or Akeem at the time from Houston, 2nd: Sam Bowie from Kentucky, 3rd, Air Jordan from North Carolina obviously, 4th: Sam Perkins from the same school and 5th: Charles Barkley from Auburn. Now the question: Who was the 6th overall pick on that list?

(George buzzes in)

George: Mantue Bol. (audience laughter)

Greg: (laughs) That would’ve made a good all-star team. Manute Bol wasn’t until next year. Anyone else?

(Lew buzzes in)

Lew: Gheorge Muresan. (audience laughter)

Greg: and that too is wrong, but for other tall guy reference, Yao ming is a wrong answer. Anthony or Tom?

(Tom buzzes in)

Tom: Chris Mullin?

Greg: Good Guess, but no. He would be drafted a year later. Anthony, want to take it?

Anthony: Perhaps Mark Price?

Greg: You were all close. The Answer: Melvin Turpin from Kentucky, 5 years with the Cavaliers, Jazz and the Bullets, averaged 8.5 per season….and now you know. Now a question from the word of bowling. (screens fade in to bowling alley) What is a washout?

George: Oh, It’s a pro getting knocked up by a bowler who rolls only…80. (audience laughter)

Greg: Good point George, but it has to be pin-wise. Somebody else?

(Lew buzzes in)

Lew: The 1-2-4-10 pins.

Greg: Is correct. Well done. Bonus of 10 if you can name the candy that inspired the sport.

Lew: Skittles.

Greg: Correct, too. 15 in total, it was the sport inspired by the candy. Thusly, Skittles became bowling. 3rd quarter is over with, we hope you could stay around for General Ignorace after this word.

(theme music plays; applause)

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]

[Gameheadz]

(theme music plays; rotator spins to set)

(applause)

Greg: It’s the 4th quarter and it’s time for something we call General Ignorance. It’s where everything you know should’ve been incorrect. The Points are twice as much like the last round, and obvious but dead wrong guesses are now worth minus 20. This however, will decide the game. Question #1: Where was the first modern Olympics held? (screens fade in to Olympic flag)

(George buzzes in)

George: Athens.

(HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“ATHENS” flashes on screens)

Greg: And that’s a minus 20, but it’s somewhere in England. (screens fade back)

(Lew buzzes in)

Lew: Perhaps London?

Greg: You got it, the 1st one was in 1866 before Greece had arrived. Question #2: Who said, and I quote: “Winning isn’t everything, It’s the only thing?”

(George buzzes in)

George: Mr. Lombardi.

Greg: Uh, George…(HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“VINCE LOMBARDI” flashes on screens) You got another minus 20. What is wrong with you?

George: Oh, nothing wrong. I’m good. (audience laughter)

Greg: It’s just what the writers had in mind. Anybody else up for 10 points?

Anthony, Lew & Tom: No.

Greg: So they pass and get no points. Let me tell you who it was, it was by another coach, this time in Los Angeles named Henry Russell Sanders of UCLA who came up with the term. Question #3: (screens fade in to solar system) What color is the planet….Mars?

(Tom buzzes in)

Tom: Beige?

Greg: How’d you guess? It’s the right answer. Well done, tom, tell us.

Tom: Supposedly, Red was not the color of Mars, but Beige is the color & it’s just a red spot on the planet.

Greg: See, now we’re playing General Ignorance. Last question of the day: The very first video game was….what?

(Anthony buzzes in)

Anthony; Space Wars?

Greg: I have to check with our judge…yeah, Space War! Is the real answer, you were close enough, it was developed by an MIT student named Steve Russell before Pong had arrived. (screens fade in to show’s logo) You know, I was hoping for overtime, but it’s only a half-hour program. So we find out who…won…what, in 3rd place, and winning a Special Olympics bronze medal…with minus 40 is George Gray. (applause) In 2nd place, and getting a silver fork from a nearby IHOP in San Bernadino…(audience laughter) With minus 15 points, Anthony Clark. (applause) and in 1st place, with 2 boxes of Golden Grahams…and 20 points each…our co-winners today, Lew Schnieder and Tom Arnold! (applause; theme music flourish) So that about does it for QI, I would like to thank our fine panelists, our great staff, A studio audience and you at home. Until then, It’s not wheter you win or lose, but how you get jock itch from letting your girlfriend steal first base. (audience laughter) Have a good day, folks.

QI MASTER
Greg Kinnear

WITH
Lew Schnieder
Tom Arnold
Anthony Clark
George Gray

QI ELVES
John Lioyd
John Mitchenson
Ann Slichter
Lou Dimaggio
Desmond Devlin
John Sellers
Derek Atheron

FORMAT BY
Quite Interesting, Ltd.

VOTING SYSTEM
AT&T

PROJECTION SCREENS
Viewsonic

GRAPHICS
Don St. Mars

MUSIC
Laura Hall

SET DESIGNER
Bruce Ryan

ORIGINAL SET DESIGNED BY
Johnathan P. Green

ART DIRECTOR
David Kahler

MAKEUP
Wendy San George

COSTUME DESIGNER
Jennifer Hedrick

VISION MIXER
Carol Abbott

FLOOR MANAGER
Jim Rice

SCRIPT SUPERVISOR
Rita Burton

CAMERA SUPERVISOR
Marty Wagner

SOUND SUPERVISOR
Mike Dooley

EDITOR
Manny Diaz

DUBBING MIXER
Dennis Boyd

LIGHTNING DIRECTOR
Tim Sheldon

PRODUCTION ACCOUNTANT
Leslie Plumlee

PRODUCTION RUNNER
Matthew Hicks

PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR
Laura Petersen

GUEST BOOKER
Katy Knights

PICTURE RESEARCH
Christe Monasco

ASSOCIATE PRODUCERS
Heather B. Allen
Ginger Simpson

PRODUCTION MANAGER
Jim “Mo” Moroney

PRODUCTION EXECUTIVE
Abby S. Ginsburg

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Michael Canter



DIRECTOR
Alan Carter

DEVISED & PRODUCED BY
John Lloyd

A NETHEREALM STUDIOS PRODUCTION FOR….

(cue BBC Worldwide America logo)

{END SHOW]

[Gameheadz]

SHOW 2-ANIMALS

(rotator spins to images of a tree, a glass of wine, The Ten Commandments, a spaceship and a thundercloud before rotating to the QI logo)

(logo zooms in; cheers and applause)

[NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION]

(cheers & applause)

Greg: Good afternoon, my filthy animals, and welcome to QI. I’m Greg Kinnear where this week, we go on a safari to explore the animal kingdom. Let’s meet our 4 beasts of burden, Spider-Man Andy Kindler…(cut to Andy; applause) Batman Darren Carter…(cut to Darren; applause) The Green Hornet Annabelle Gurwitch…(cut to Annabelle; applause) and…The Tick George Gray! (cut to George; applause) Now, I want all 4 of you on your best behavior as I ask questions to award and mostly deduct points to find a winner when it’s all over. Let’s see how you sound. Andy goes…(elephant trumpet) and Darren goes…(tiger roar) and Annabelle goes…(horse neigh) And George goes…(crickets chirping; audience laughter) So let’s step inside the zoo and get started with our first question. Panel, what is the meaning of the word “anaconda?” (screens fade in to a snake pit)

Darren: Oh, I got it, a movie starring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube from 1997. (audience laughter)

Greg: That’s a good answer, but it has to be of what origin?

Andy: Perhaps a boa constrictor.

Greg: Not it, Andy…(HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“BOA CONSTRICTOR” flashes on screens) I have to warn the panelists that he said an obvious but dead wrong guess and is deducted 10 points. Now anaconda is a boa constrictor but the answer starts…(holds card with “E” in it) with an E.

(Annabelle buzzes in)

Annabelle: Eunectes.

Greg: Um…Yeah, that is the right answer, the genus Eunectes is in the Squamata order in the Reptilia class.

George: Sound like some bad nightclub dancer names. (audience laughter)

Greg: (laughs) Let’s hope the kids are over their ears, moms and dads, but would you like anotehr snake question?

Panelists & audience: Yes.

Greg: Then here’s one. Buzz in and name the continent associated with the black mamba.

(George buzzes in)

George: Los Angeles, CA. (audience laughter & cheering)

Greg: We got a lot of Laker fans thinking about that answer, but uh…LA is in North America, and that’s not the correct answer.

George: Not Kobe Bryant?

Greg: Not him, whatsoever. Anybody else?

(Annabelle buzzes in)

Annabelle: South America.

Greg: Not it, sorry. But it’s in the Southern Hemisphere. Where is it?

(Andy buzzes in)

Andy: Africa.

Greg: Is the right answer, well done. The Black Mamba uses its speed to escape threats, not to hunt prey. It is known to be capable of reaching speeds of around 20 kilometers per hour (12 mph), traveling with up to a third of its body raised off the ground. Now for the last question, I want you to look at these 4 cans. Which one of these 3 has snakes in the cans? George, you go first.

(George picks 1)

He gets 1 and Annabelle…

(Annabelle picks 4)

Gets one on the end and Andy….

(Andy picks 3)

3 it is for him and Darren you get 2. Now, on the count of 3, you open your cans. If you have the snake, 5 points will be awarded. If it doesn’t have a snake, you get no points at all. Understood? Okay, on the count of 3, 1….2….3….(all open cans) It looks like….Annabelle, Darren and Andy all get 5 points. (applause) As for George, he’s the only one enjoying his corn nuts from a gas station. (audience laughter) and he’ll enjoy those during the break as we explore more of the animal world next on QI.

(theme music plays; applause)

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]

[Gameheadz]

(theme music plays; rotator spins to set)

(applause)

Greg: welcome back everybody to QI, now let’s explore something fishy as we put on our safety goggles and dive…underwater, so let’s do that right now.

(All put on goggles)

(SFX: falling down; splash; underwater ambience)

(screens fade in to underwater background)

So here’s our first question: How many legs does a crab have?

(George buzzes in)

George: I’ll guess and say 8.

Greg: No, it isn’t … (HS Secret square alarm; lights flicker on & off) (“EIGHT” flashes on the screens) but you were on the right track to a clue. (screens fade back) It has to be half of it.

Darren: Maybe 4.

Greg: And he is right. 4 is the right answer. Some crabs have 8 legs, but many of them have 4, so you earn points on that. And here’s one for you. Why can’t an octopus spit out ink?

Andy: Ask John Hancock and he’ll tell you. (audience laughter)

Greg: Now I imagine years ago, if he signed the Declaration of Independence underwater, it wouldn’t work with paper, but why does an octopus make ink?

(Annabelle buzzes in)

Annabelle: It’s because he’ll become “Octopussy” and make a James Bond movie out of it. (audience laughter)

Greg: Good thinking, Annabelle, but it isn’t it. Anyone else?

(George & Darren shake heads)

They all shake their heads and pass. No points on that. Most octopuses can eject a thick blackish ink in a large cloud to aid in escaping from predators. The main coloring agent of the ink is melanin, which is the same chemical that gives humans their hair and skin color. This ink cloud is thought to reduce the efficiency of olfactory organs, which would aid an octopus's evasion from predators that employ smell for hunting, such as sharks. Ink clouds of some species might serve as pseudo morphs, or decoys that the predator attacks instead. And finally, what is a snork? (audience laughter)

(panelists get a blank stare)

If you want to answer it myself, I suggest you pass on it.

(George buzzes in)

Yes, George.

George: uh, a cartoon?

Greg: A cartoon what?

George: Uh…a cartoon snork with a scuba mask as a hairpiece.

Greg: You know what, give the man 20 points. (applause)

George: Yeah, Yeah, I knew I was gonna come up with that answer.

Greg: Yep, the cartoon “Snorks” ran for about 4 years in the 1980’s and became a favorite of ours around here.

Darren: Wait, I thought about what a smurf was…

Greg: That’s on another QI topic, now be quiet. (audience laughter) Time to refill our oxygen tanks while we take this quick break. Where’s jabberjaw? (applause) I want him to reunite with his band the Neptunes.

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]

[Gameheadz]

(rotator spins to website & phone number)

Greg: (VO) Want free tickets to QI? Dial 1-866-84-QITIX or visti qi.com.

(fade in to set; applause)

Greg: Back on QI and more from the animal world. First off, who did “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” in the 1970’s? (screens fade in to wheat field blowing)

George: Did they do a disco version? (light laughter)

Greg: Not quite (silence) Then, I’ll give you some help. First name is a singer who did “Addicted to Love.’

Andy: Uh, Robert Palmer?

Greg: Close, but you’re getting there. Last name is a flamboyant 70’s singer-songwriter.

Annabelle: John, Robert John.

Greg: There you go, It’s correct. It wasn’t Lady Gaga for sure, but it’s Robert John, the man who did “Sad Eyes” in 1979 with a top 5 hit of an old 50’s sing by The Tokens.

George: Any more soft rock questions? (audience laughter)

Greg: No, but we got another question about animals. Why are siberian tigers white?

Darren: Could you ask Siegfried & Roy on that one? (audience laughter)

Greg: No, and It doesn’t involve magic either.

(george buzzes in)

George: Perhaps some of them don’t exist.

Greg: Uh, Yes. The man is born to win today. The existence of pure white Siberian tigers has not been scientifically proven, despite occasional reports of sightings of white tigers in the regions where wild Siberian tigers live. It is quite possible that the gene for white coating does not exist in the Siberian tiger population, since no pure white Siberian tigers have been born in captivity even though the Siberian tiger has been extensively bred during the last few decades. The wild Siberian tiger population nearly went extinct during the middle of the 20th century, so it is also possible that the Siberian tigers carrying the gene for white coating died out during this period. More research is necessary before scientists can fully understand the genetic makeup of the Siberian tiger. And lastly before we head to a break, give me a reason why bears hibernate in the winter.

Andy: Oh, I know, put them in Soldier Field in Chicago and see what happens. (audience laughter)

Greg: That would be football, but I want to know why Bears hibernate. (screens fade in to snowy scene)

(Darren buzzes in)

Darren: Maybe it’s because their hearts sink lower.

Greg: Of Course, Many bears of northern regions are assumed to hibernate in the winter. While many bear species do go into a physiological state often colloquially called "hibernation" or "winter sleep", it is not true hibernation. In true hibernators, body temperatures drop to near ambient and heart rate slows drastically, but the animals periodically rouse themselves to urinate or defecate and to eat from stored food. The body temperature of bears, on the other hand, drops only a few degrees from normal and heart rate slows only slightly. They normally do not wake during this "hibernation", and therefore do not eat, drink, urinate or defecate the entire period. Higher body heat and being easily roused may be adaptations, because females give birth to their cubs during this winter sleep. So to recap, it’s Lions & Tigers & Bears….
Audience: Oh my!
Greg: Correct, but had the scarecrow not ask for a brain, he would be ignorant and General Ignorance would be a factor for this and it’s next on QI.
(theme music plays; applause)

(rotator spins to logo)

[FADE TO COMMERCIALS]